A Start

"she will be free when she freely chooses to be"


today i choose freedom.

honest...once.

A new song is up and you can find it here. http://www.myspace.com/melanieannabelle .

Thought i would make that available to anyone that cared to know.

Tonight is such a weird evening. I haven't been able to sleep lately and I feel as if I have tried everything to aid a restful and uninterrupted night. Honestly, my day feels similar to my night. the night creeps in and i'm filled with worry and doubt. I do believe that my biggest enemy is myself. I have been wondering lately about leaving.

Something happened today that basically produced a reaction in me that was less than ideal. It caused me to remember things I'd rather forget and i isolated myself from dear friends in order to deal with it. I hate that I'd rather deal with things apart from others. after doing my best to get completely alone, I always look around and think 'where the hell did everyone go? of course they left, I knew they would.' i hate being alone. big surprise. but if i push them away early on and test their loyalty, i am less disappointed later. it's a great system that i have worked out. not.

thanksgiving is tomorrow. i wish i was with my family. even though they don't celebrate. it sure would be nice to see them. i think i will just pretend the whole day doesn't actually exist. go about my day regularly. maybe.

i wish i could get honest. once.

Recording and Flirting.

I recorded today.

I am exhausted. But extremely joyful. I know that everyone says it, but it really is always weird hearing your own voice through a speaker. I may have a funny voice.

The process of recording is tricky. I am quite the perfectionist, and I have yet to master the art of recording, and being completely prepared for recording time. It is a lot like participating in a spelling bee when you are just learning to spell. You are in a quite vulnerable position because others are listening, your voice/instrumentation is being singled out recorded and then played back for you. I anxiously look around for some sort of feedback and although everyone says it sounds fine, there lies a slight doubt you may be being deceived. You make mistakes, you correct them. You move on. I am learning a whole bunch, but I wish I learned more quickly because I still feel a bit amateur.

I do have such a great desire to do this for my career, so I am determined to learn everything I can to use this stewardship most proficiently.

In the time being I have the best friends in the whole wide world coming along side me through it all. I really don't know what I would do with out them.

Another funny story. I learned how to flirt today... well kinda. As most of you know... I am not gifted in the art of flirtation. However, the microphone levels could not be adjusted to my volume level very easily so I was asked to back away from the microphone when I sang more loudly and step closer to them when I got quieter. This was a bit of a new concept for me, so in order for me to understand, my friend Chad told me to picture the microphone like a boy I liked. You know... the kind that you really want to kiss, but aren't actually dating, so you sometimes shy away... He said when you flirt with him, and as your volume gets low to a whisper, you approach him in proximity... When you talk more loudly, you back away. Apparently this is flirting. So I practiced a bit, went back in there and gave it my best shot. And, let me tell you something......

I charmed the pants off that microphone. :)

Makes me wonder if the whole reason I have not had the luck with the fellas is because of my lack of knowledge of this "whisper trick." In any case... you honeybears better watch out now because I am now a flirt machine.

.not really.

i probably won't be able to look you in the eyes for a long period of time.

i may hide my head in a book.

and guess what... i am beginning to think that my inability to flirt, tease, and manipulate... is a great and blessed thing.

Tomorrow.. we record more. :) I will practice my "whisper trick" and let you know how it goes. :)

Wrinkly Women and Wisdom.

It's been a minute since I have updated this.... and alot has taken place.

I will tell you of a curent peace that Ihave felt...

I sat in a room with elderly woman knitting, mother's bustling from soccer practice, and carefully manicured mistresses. I wondered to myself, what in the world do we have in common? I must be in the wrong place, wrong room... One woman began to lead us in a prayer of liturgical nature and as our voices cried in unison of our deep need for to rely upon Lord... I felt peace. Then she continued to talk about her journey over the past decade and her struggles. The circle of solidarity that I sat in {completely out of place} began to also share of their weakest points. One woman in particular shared of something that I too struggle with and as she spoke, she used language andmetaphors that I too had used to describe the chains. She has been in recovery from this for over a decade. I think it's amazing how wrinkly women have so much wisdom. She attributed her recovery to the Lord. to His love. to His grace. His peace.

It came time for me to share and I with shaky hands and voice, I shared of my current state, what brought me there, and how I hardly beleived in hope for a change. I told them that I resonated with some things that had been said, but I need willingness. I finished abuptly.

The more stories were shared, the more I began curious if the Lord would give me the strength that he had given these women, too?

One day at a time, I am being convinced that healing is not only possible for others, but for me as well. This is a lesson I never thought I needed to learn. I do. It takes work. I have to remind myself that His love extends to my prideful hands hat are so hell bent on fixing things myself.

I might actually need others. I might actually have needs. dang. When you do things long enough for yourself, it's a weird concept to swallow.

I will go again to this circle of wise women, and perhaps i will learn a thing or two from others that have walked before me.

ALSO.

I have been having fun. My instruments have been keeping me busy, refreshed and occupied, and I dare say i am getting pretty good a them. I have been playing shows quite a bit which is pretty surprising considering my band hasn't recorded. I am extremely thankful for the opportunities to spread hope to others and share a bit about myself. It's easier to sing about myself than talk about. We will see how it goes, and for now... I am just happy I get to do what I love.

We are recording this weekend. I am so excited I could pee my pants.

Freedom and a Prison Cell

Today, I am reminded of how undeserving I am. I am selfish, prideful, inconsiderate. How i will make the same mistakes over and over, and disregard the beckoning of the Lord. I am a paralyzed woman holding onto my mat... so comfortable with my sickness. Jesus walks by me and asks if I want to be healed, and I say... "actually, i'm pretty comfortable on my mat."

I have created a prison for myself (by myself) , the stench is getting so putrid....and the keys are being dangled in front of me, yet i would rather breath this stench in than let the fresh air fill my lungs. The prison is comfortable because i now it's turns and predictable because i laid it's foundation. Yet, inside me, I know this isn't my home. Although, it is by choice I remain here.
In spite of this, He pursues me in my prison and places people in my life to communicate there is a better way to live. They tell me of a place where flowers bloom and Freedom is found. They say that all people are welcome to come and play and dance. They say that it can take years for someone to fully arrive at Freedom... but you have to take the steps yourself to get there. They say no one forces you to go, and you can stay as long as you want. Some people get to Freedom, and then return to their prisons. Some come back. They say that you don't need papers or references to get into Freedom, and you can't earn an invitation. They say it's beautiful, and it was all His idea.

They say that others are out to distort the reputation of Freedom. These others create lies about Freedom, saying that it isn't as good as the prison. They say you have to be rewarded a ticket, and I could never deserve it. They say that the journey is too hard and long for anyone to reach. They say that He really wants to control those that live in Freedom, and I'd have much more say in my prison. They say that Freedom can be a scary place because the people that are there can hurt you and so can He. They say He really isn't good and He is trying to trick us out of our prisons.

I think the others are liars.

I think my prison is beginning to stink.

I think He does love me and has made a place for me in Freedom.

....then why do I cling to my prison??????????????

You Think You Know

Someone hurt me this past week. At least, i can walk away from it all knowing this is what living feels like. unpredictable, vulnerable, and wonderful.

i wish people were more honest. They say one thing, and act in a completely opposite fashion. The guy i had a crush on, for instance, says he's attracted to a certain thing... and yet pursues the exact opposite when she dangles herself in front of him. yuck. Save me the disappointment and be a shallow jerk from the beginning, please. Makes me wonder if people are actually capable of telling the truth.

normally this wouldn't bother me as much, but i guess as i peel back the layers that have kept myself concealed for so long.. i feel like I am expecting the same from others. when they deceive me, i feel more vulnerable because i took the step towards being known, and they had motives of a malicious kind.

these encounters make me wonder if it is better to guard myself. Is this process of letting people in all in vain?

No.

Tonight i will lie in my bed knowing that i was true in displaying myself to others. There is something to be learned from each person around us, and what can we learn if we don't let ourselves be known?

To the boys:
take caution in pursuing me. it is not for those that tire easily. you will have to be patient. you will have to be creative. but... my heart is precious. i have saved it from so many things in order that i can give it to a certain gentleman unscathed. there will be girls out there that are great, and the chase will be easier... but perhaps i have the walls to weed out those that aren't willing to try and knock them down. do not waste my time if you have foul motives... you will not succeed.

To he who will come:
i protected myself for you. be bold in coming after me.


sweet dreams.

Baby Steps

Talked to a wise man today and he opened my eyes to this ideal that love flourishes from freedom. Nobody can force you to love, open up, let the walls fall, or stay. I have the choice to isolate myself from being understood and known. What's interesting about this is that for a long time, I thought it my duty or obligation to guard myself from being hurt and letting others get too close. It has become my job. And I do it quite well. I am skilled at asking questions long enough that the person forgets or misses the opportunity to ask me anything in return. I have used the excuse "i asked you first" so many times, I almost giggle to myself when it successfully dodges another question-answer session... and it almost always does. The sad part is, in this all-too-familiar sequence of events, I successfully create this wall that protects me, but also isolates.

I choose to tear down the wall, and risk being hurt, in order to fully dance in freedom.

I'm making a way towards it.. but baby steps.

To those affected by my guard: If I have pushed you away, I'm sorry. it truly isn't something that you're doing. just have built it up because of what others have done. i know its not fair, to you or me...Its not your job to redeem my past, and i am sorry if it seems like i have given you that job. I know you grow weary of my wall, but i appreciate your patience.

Beauty is...

"come forth to the light of things, let nature be your teacher"

Summer Courage and Crushes

summer days are the best because you can have absolutely no agenda and yet end up having quite an adventurous day. today was one of those. i worked 11:00 to 7:00 and when i got off i biked to a friends house to pick up some carrots i had left the night before, and decided to walk home instead. So, I chained up my beloved maybelle and began the journey home. The sun was just about to make its way to sleep and the colors in the sky were beautiful. I took off my shoes tied them together and wrapped them around my bag. With every step they swung back and forth, and i felt much like huck finn might have. Then, Stefanie shouted my name from the street and she joined me on part of my walk to the park. we laid down, talked of quite personal things, and delighted in one another. i miss living with her. she is such a wise woman and always knows what to say. She speaks truth in my life and today it was about courage. i told her about what my journey has been like for the past couple of days, and how i have been blessed to have people around me that want to walk with me through it. She told me that it was courage inside me that allowed me to even seek out those relationships... knowing full well how hard the road might get. the funny thing is, i have felt anything but courageous. I drag my feet to these meetings, tail between my legs, and head to the floor. it's easy to convince myself that i am a burden to people around me... especially when they want me to talk about the burdens that i carry. i never want that to be the case... But... I have learned this: one of the things that can hinder us from reliance upon the lord is this belief that we can do it on our own. It may isolate us completely from people that the Lord has equipped to walk with us. It causes a sense of pride. Pride isn't just arrogance, but it can also be not accepting help from those around you because you feel as if you have all the help you need in the island of yourself. It's saying my junk is too lofty a load for anyone else to bear, but yet i'll let my back break carrying it. it can also be when people keep others at a distance, never letting them in to experience them in fullness for fear of getting hurt. i struggle with pride. there are a lot of overflows from my pride, but i think it is pride i want to rid myself of most. I don't walk with a swagger and head raised to the sky, but i walk with walls, alligators and a moat guarding me from the world... and this is pride. when did i begin to think that people around me could only hurt me? I do have wonderful relationships, but i am fearful that i have missed out on so many for the sake of my pride. So, if it is courage and humility that is finally allowing me to lower my walls, when i welcome it. Also, completely different topic: I have developed a crush. He has no idea. this is probably because I am shy and have never been gifted i the art of flirting. I know girls that just have this way with boys around them, but that has never been me. Showing an interest has been quite the trouble, too... i never come off eloquent or remotely convincing. I have learned to completely accept the fact that it will take a certain bold man to take my arm, and only bold will do. the crush I have currently probably won't ever ask me out (stigma of being an "intimidating" girl...) until i have lost hope or interest in the endeavor...which is a shame. if he only knew the affections i indeed to have for him. this is a quote from pride and prejudice where Elizabeth is describing her sister's affections for mr. bingley, and how it would be outside her nature to be boisterous about her crush, much like me...

"but she does help him on as much as her nature allows. If i can perceive her regard for him, he must be a simpleton not to discover it, too."

The Wilderness

I like the wilderness. I have known many men that have sought time in the wilderness to find themselves, to ponder the meaning of their seemingly meaningless lives, or to connect with the Lord. But what is it about the wilderness that beckons us in such a way?

Perhaps its the furry little creatures that jump, crawl, swing and explore. Or the wildflowers that bloom out of unexpecting rocks. It could be the smell of pine, the touch of the dirt, and the taste of the wind. Perhaps its the simplicity and intricacy that happen simultaneously.

Perhaps its the stars that reveal themselves more vividly. These glimmers of light that dare us to make lofty wishes upon their names. We close our eyes tightly and like children, we beleive once again in happy endings.

It can be a frightening place, too.

My world has some how transformed into the wilderness. Such beauty has been revealed to me in the past couple of days. But, at the same time, I feel as if I have journeyed into the wilderness alone. My past has crept in and brought me to a place of sadness I haven't felt in a while. I have tried so hard to forget what has happened, and ignore the consequences that have come from it all. But in this wilderness, instead of wishing on fleeting stars, I am find myself relying upon the Lord. I have tasted and seen His goodness through it all... but i'm angry. i'm hurt. Now, I feel so far into the wilderness, that I must press on, instead of turning back for refuge in common things. I am seeking the transformation that will come from this wilderness alone.

Healing will come... but the road is hard. I grow weary.

This season is one that is breaking, molding, equipping, and humbling.

and I say, "amen, come Lord Jesus."

Holding Feet

Have you ever held feet with anyone? I have recently become quite the advocate for feet holding. the way it works is you sit on the floor in front of another person, link your toes (both feet), and hold hands with them simultaneously. I have never been fond of feet... they can be smelly, dirty, hairy, and even rough. PLUS... i am easily tickled. however, feet holding has proven to be quite a joyful experience. It often takes a bit of convincing your partner, but once that is done, you are linked with the person in a way that rarely gets experienced. It's quite intimate, really. If intimacy is defined as experiencing with one other person a piece of yourself, sharing something not commonly divulged, or even connecting with someone in a special way... then i think feet holding is a great way of expressing that.

(sidenote:... my friend reed is a great feet holder... even if he couldn't stop giggling during it all. he's also good at making music, keeping the most incredible journal, and giving nicknames.)

I have been getting bored of normal, lately. My mind often wonders why do we do things that are routine, and yet never step out of the ordinary. These are a few ideas I have had to break out of the ordinary, some of which I have taken into practice, and others I have not... yet:

1. sit in silence with a group of people, and just soak them in.
2. do not use utensils while eating. let all your senses be stimulated
3. instead of driving, or for me, biking, walk for long periods of time
4. eat on the floor inside
5. be honest and genuine at all times
6. smell the pages of a book before i read it every time
7. really study the animals that surround me
8. write more letters, and turn off the electronic devices
9. cook completely without recipes
10. listen intently to the person that stands before you, and do no let my mind wander elsewhere, trying to anticipate a response.


Rid me of the mundane... give me Your mystery and adventure.

So there was this racoon...

Since it is a new season, even to the blog circle. I wanted to make sure I clarify a few things. I will not be posting things about upcoming shows, recordings, etc. because there is a time and place for that, and it isn't now and here. Mostly, I'll write about funny stories, wild animals, unfortunate dates , adventures, and lessons I am learning. I may even throw in a recipe if I feel especially confident about a kitchen creation. You will find honesty here.

Now that that is out of the way... I had quite the interesting day today.

First off, I woke up finding my phone completely utterly useless. I cannot receive or make phone calls. Normally, I am a huge fan of simplifying, but I guess what I am really a big fan of is simplifying what I want on my terms. this entire year I have debated turning off my phone because I find cellphone communication to be simply ridiculous. Most conversations are reduced to a text message and very little actual interaction is needed. Also... let's not forget how lots of people have the tendency to over-analyze text messages.. adding a motive, attitude and suggestiveness to mere responses. AND. Everyone expects you to always have your phone on you and ready to respond to their every communication. Some people are offended when you don' actually respond quick enough. I miss the old days when if someone was unavailable, a message would be recorded on a land line and the message would then be answered at the receivers convenience. All this being said... after one day without a cell phone... I miss it.

Then i went to my plasma donation appointment (more or less a donation when you are getting paid for it).. and after biking there and putting up with a guy's pickup lines, they inform me that the processing center was closed and because of this, I would have to come back next week to complete my donations. Drats.

After, I laid out on a trampoline for a majority of the day and thought of heavenly things like freedom and joy.

When it became a bit too chilly outside, I babysat for a church. (i love the kids I babysit for) They seriously are the cutest things ever. they pick their noses and fight over blocks, and i really love them. Then, I had made an appointment with a friend for a haircut, and he never actually came. At this point, I also realized that I had forgotten my keys in my apartment, leaving me stranded until about 2:30am.

i bike over to my friends' house to use a phone, and we ended up getting some wine, playing games, and listening to music...it was delightful and I am really excited to see these new friendships grow! It also helps that these boys are just great and so fun. no offense to girls, but it seems like I have always enjoyed hanging with the boys better.

It's been quite the unexpectedly good day.

(stayed tuned for the raccoon story...i am to sleepy to add it in right now)

sweet dreams, atlanta, tennesee, denver, sydney, and mexico.

Hate to Admit it...

I have adopted a coy and clever barrier and it has kept me safe for a few years now... but has also kept others at quite a distance. Never would I want to believe that my precautions had reprocussions within the circles of my friends. But indeed they did.

I want to be genuine.

I want to trust others.

I want to let others know me.

The truth is...

I have been hurt.

I have been abandoned.

I have never been able to really let someone in... since the accident, since he walked away, since he hurt her, since felt I needed to hold it all together for everyone.

The Lord proves faithful, but it is His people that constantly let me down. Though I commune with Him, I miss out on his creation. I am really tired of it all. So this is me being genuine, I am a mess, I want to learn to trust again. Please be patient with me.

Also: Today I sat under a large tree and mister ant crawled on my foot. He didn't bite me, he just crawled there. When I was little I used to pull ants apart.. one leg at a time. Hate to admit it, but it's true. Now... I know better...that even ants are the handiwork of an ever present God. I hope this is true because tomorrow I am going to my first "support group" for something i don't feel like writing about... and to be honest.. it seems like a really big ant right now.

Detours

I created a list. I want this summer to be different in that I actually accomplish what I set out to do, so I made a list. One goal is to keep up with this blog. Whenever I don't keep up with journals and such, I always feel the need to summarize the time that I wasn't making entries, to catch everyone up to speed. Well, I don't want to do that now. So, I'm, starting instead, with the current.

Today, I rode my bicycle to my babysitting job, when in fact I do not work until tomorrow. The assistant working at the church, who was grey, wrinkled and precious told me that it wasn't actually Thursday, even though I thought it was up until that point. Part of me still thinks it may be a conspiracy. {Sidenote- I really love wrinkles. When I was little, I would sit on my Grandma's lap and trace her wrinkles on her hand. She was beautiful and the wrinkles added to her charm.} After that, I visited some friends and rode uphill for the remainder of my trip. There was lots of construction that made my trek even longer than normal. And I was not pleased about it. Then I got the mother of all migraines. It was miserable.

The day definitely didn't go as I planned, and normally I would just be fine with only complaining.. but I must be getting older and wiser because it doesn't seem fair to not count the blessings, too.

I get so much joy from riding my bicycle, and since there was so much construction today, I was forced to go on an unlikely path. There were an extreme amont of wildflowers blooming along this new route, and I saw the most wonderful bird. I really like learning about nature and animals, so when I got home I tried to look up the description of the bird, but I couldn't find a match. What a mysterious thing to behold. My friends have been so great, too. Juli and I are nearly done with painting my room! I picked a mustard color, but she thinks its more similar to marigold. I refuse to call it marigold because I think it sounds elitist for some reason. In any case, it's beautiful and will definitely be a great solace for me. Music has been lovely, too. I 'm playing at my friend Eleny's house on Friday alongside some of my favorite local bands and I am so excited! I just wouldn't have expected this a few months back.

Ultimately, I've learned this today: Life doesn't always look like you think it should, but the detours can prove to be a blessing, if you let yourself appreciate them.

Create in me a gracious heart.

-melanie annabelle