My Prince

One person can never make you happy. Over and over again, this has been coming up in my life. There’s someone I know, her name is Maria. No, her name isn’t actually Maria, but why do you need to know who it is? Any who, Maria had a really bad breakup with a guy she had been with for years. Following the breakup she sunk into a pit of depression, and it seemed like she would never get out. Then she met Paulo. Again, his name isn’t really Paulo either. He made her smile and Maria thought he could make her happy. With this new relationship, Maria has adopted a lot of Paulo’s traditions and completely left hers at the door. Maria is from Venezuela, and Paulo is Scandinavian. All her life, Maria was so proud of her culture, but in order to please Paulo, she has seriously abandoned it. Every time I see Maria, she is smiling, but I wonder when the mask will come off. You can’t live someone else’s life and hope to get happiness from it. You can’t forget what makes you come alive inside to pursue a life that gives you a false sense of joy.
Some of you “happy” people out there would probably point out the fact that, I have been single for a while now and I just wouldn’t understand. Right? I do. I know that when I do choose to become serious again with a guy, it’s not because he will be able to make me happy. It will be because he enriches the happiness that I have. It’ll be because I want to walk with him and share all the joy and blessings I have. Maybe this is why it’s seems so hard to dive into relationships for me. I’ve dated a bit, but I know that one day my prince will come and he will whisk me away and there will be a glorious…………… nope, sorry, not for me. Never has been. I’m pretty independent and I don’t need rescuing. Pay attention boys… what I need is someone that delights in me and I in him. Simple as that.
I think I could be single forever if it means that all my relationships would be with guys that didn’t let me be myself. Where is the fun in that? I know that I am created for a purpose and no man can keep me from pleasing my Creator. To do it any other way would rid me of a lot of joy. But for Maria and Paulo, I can only hope that she truly is happy and they do live happily ever after……
And if you thought this was going to be a detailed account of some new boy in my life, you should know me better than that. Peace.

Freedom

Over dinner yesterday night I told my mom about an opportunity to work in a girl’s transitional living facility. I told her about what an awesome internship it would be and some details on how I found out about it. The only thing about it is it’s on the other side of the country. The distance doesn’t scare me, nor does the internship, but I felt uneasy with talking with her about it. I’m about to be 20, and I have lived on my own for a little over a year. But during the conversation I still found myself asking for her permission. She looked over at me and said, “It’s your life, Melanie. You can do what you want.” As I heard it, freedom came over me. I can’t even explain ho incredible it was to hear. I mean, I know that I am old enough to grab hold of my life, but to truly realize that I can do whatever I want really blessed me. I cut this lady’s hair the other day at the salon and she was an interesting lady. She had been all over the world, had a large family, and now works volunteers in local shelters. She told me about her time in India and how she was hoping to go back this summer. As I listened to her stories, I thought, gosh she has done so many incredible things. Then it clicked. My life really is only just beginning. God has given an opportunity to live a life for Him- giving Him all the glory. He has this plan for my life that will blow me away. It doesn’t lack excitement, it is filled with it. Sure, I take a misstep every now and then. Scratch that, sometimes I’m COMPLETELY off course, but he works with that and still has this beautiful life ready for me to live. But it’s my choice to live, not in fear, but in Him. I have to take that step though, whether with the internship or not, I need to accept responsibility for my life and choose life.

Cozy Bed and Cracked Windows

There is a train that I hear every night in the distance. Its horn whispers to me as I lie in my warm and comfortable bed fixed between two cracked windows. Louder and longer the horn screams to me as it nears. I always wonder who is on the train. Where are they going? What is holding me back from hopping that train and journeying to some far off city where no one has known my failures or successes? To assume a completely different identity and get lost in the character that I mask so cleverly with my witty and calculated answers. I’d wear large sunglasses and hats pretending to be someone I’m not. Of course, that plan would fail because I would abandon the journey that is life. The mystery of every step that I can take, and the decisions I might make excite me. Why should I put on a face and live another’s life, when each day I live has endless possibilities? I could get on that train. I could go and forget all that I am to chase the next adventure. I could leave this place and never look back. I always think about that train. That train that leads to another town, but once I get to that town, I still have to face the problems and insecurities I thought I had left there, in my cozy bed between my cracked windows.
I write all this knowing full well that sometimes, you got to get on that train. But I hope when I do, it’s not to pursue refuge in crowds, but instead to independently take another step, accepting the past and pressing towards the future.

No Promises

So, I have never really blogged before. Consistently, that is. Since it’s hard to fill everyone in on what’s going on, I thought this would allow anyone who cares to know about my life, know. This is also my attempt to put my thoughts in order. Hopefully I’ll keep up with it, but no promises. Enjoy.