Baby Steps

Talked to a wise man today and he opened my eyes to this ideal that love flourishes from freedom. Nobody can force you to love, open up, let the walls fall, or stay. I have the choice to isolate myself from being understood and known. What's interesting about this is that for a long time, I thought it my duty or obligation to guard myself from being hurt and letting others get too close. It has become my job. And I do it quite well. I am skilled at asking questions long enough that the person forgets or misses the opportunity to ask me anything in return. I have used the excuse "i asked you first" so many times, I almost giggle to myself when it successfully dodges another question-answer session... and it almost always does. The sad part is, in this all-too-familiar sequence of events, I successfully create this wall that protects me, but also isolates.

I choose to tear down the wall, and risk being hurt, in order to fully dance in freedom.

I'm making a way towards it.. but baby steps.

To those affected by my guard: If I have pushed you away, I'm sorry. it truly isn't something that you're doing. just have built it up because of what others have done. i know its not fair, to you or me...Its not your job to redeem my past, and i am sorry if it seems like i have given you that job. I know you grow weary of my wall, but i appreciate your patience.