Freedom and a Prison Cell

Today, I am reminded of how undeserving I am. I am selfish, prideful, inconsiderate. How i will make the same mistakes over and over, and disregard the beckoning of the Lord. I am a paralyzed woman holding onto my mat... so comfortable with my sickness. Jesus walks by me and asks if I want to be healed, and I say... "actually, i'm pretty comfortable on my mat."

I have created a prison for myself (by myself) , the stench is getting so putrid....and the keys are being dangled in front of me, yet i would rather breath this stench in than let the fresh air fill my lungs. The prison is comfortable because i now it's turns and predictable because i laid it's foundation. Yet, inside me, I know this isn't my home. Although, it is by choice I remain here.
In spite of this, He pursues me in my prison and places people in my life to communicate there is a better way to live. They tell me of a place where flowers bloom and Freedom is found. They say that all people are welcome to come and play and dance. They say that it can take years for someone to fully arrive at Freedom... but you have to take the steps yourself to get there. They say no one forces you to go, and you can stay as long as you want. Some people get to Freedom, and then return to their prisons. Some come back. They say that you don't need papers or references to get into Freedom, and you can't earn an invitation. They say it's beautiful, and it was all His idea.

They say that others are out to distort the reputation of Freedom. These others create lies about Freedom, saying that it isn't as good as the prison. They say you have to be rewarded a ticket, and I could never deserve it. They say that the journey is too hard and long for anyone to reach. They say that He really wants to control those that live in Freedom, and I'd have much more say in my prison. They say that Freedom can be a scary place because the people that are there can hurt you and so can He. They say He really isn't good and He is trying to trick us out of our prisons.

I think the others are liars.

I think my prison is beginning to stink.

I think He does love me and has made a place for me in Freedom.

....then why do I cling to my prison??????????????

You Think You Know

Someone hurt me this past week. At least, i can walk away from it all knowing this is what living feels like. unpredictable, vulnerable, and wonderful.

i wish people were more honest. They say one thing, and act in a completely opposite fashion. The guy i had a crush on, for instance, says he's attracted to a certain thing... and yet pursues the exact opposite when she dangles herself in front of him. yuck. Save me the disappointment and be a shallow jerk from the beginning, please. Makes me wonder if people are actually capable of telling the truth.

normally this wouldn't bother me as much, but i guess as i peel back the layers that have kept myself concealed for so long.. i feel like I am expecting the same from others. when they deceive me, i feel more vulnerable because i took the step towards being known, and they had motives of a malicious kind.

these encounters make me wonder if it is better to guard myself. Is this process of letting people in all in vain?

No.

Tonight i will lie in my bed knowing that i was true in displaying myself to others. There is something to be learned from each person around us, and what can we learn if we don't let ourselves be known?

To the boys:
take caution in pursuing me. it is not for those that tire easily. you will have to be patient. you will have to be creative. but... my heart is precious. i have saved it from so many things in order that i can give it to a certain gentleman unscathed. there will be girls out there that are great, and the chase will be easier... but perhaps i have the walls to weed out those that aren't willing to try and knock them down. do not waste my time if you have foul motives... you will not succeed.

To he who will come:
i protected myself for you. be bold in coming after me.


sweet dreams.

Baby Steps

Talked to a wise man today and he opened my eyes to this ideal that love flourishes from freedom. Nobody can force you to love, open up, let the walls fall, or stay. I have the choice to isolate myself from being understood and known. What's interesting about this is that for a long time, I thought it my duty or obligation to guard myself from being hurt and letting others get too close. It has become my job. And I do it quite well. I am skilled at asking questions long enough that the person forgets or misses the opportunity to ask me anything in return. I have used the excuse "i asked you first" so many times, I almost giggle to myself when it successfully dodges another question-answer session... and it almost always does. The sad part is, in this all-too-familiar sequence of events, I successfully create this wall that protects me, but also isolates.

I choose to tear down the wall, and risk being hurt, in order to fully dance in freedom.

I'm making a way towards it.. but baby steps.

To those affected by my guard: If I have pushed you away, I'm sorry. it truly isn't something that you're doing. just have built it up because of what others have done. i know its not fair, to you or me...Its not your job to redeem my past, and i am sorry if it seems like i have given you that job. I know you grow weary of my wall, but i appreciate your patience.

Beauty is...

"come forth to the light of things, let nature be your teacher"

Summer Courage and Crushes

summer days are the best because you can have absolutely no agenda and yet end up having quite an adventurous day. today was one of those. i worked 11:00 to 7:00 and when i got off i biked to a friends house to pick up some carrots i had left the night before, and decided to walk home instead. So, I chained up my beloved maybelle and began the journey home. The sun was just about to make its way to sleep and the colors in the sky were beautiful. I took off my shoes tied them together and wrapped them around my bag. With every step they swung back and forth, and i felt much like huck finn might have. Then, Stefanie shouted my name from the street and she joined me on part of my walk to the park. we laid down, talked of quite personal things, and delighted in one another. i miss living with her. she is such a wise woman and always knows what to say. She speaks truth in my life and today it was about courage. i told her about what my journey has been like for the past couple of days, and how i have been blessed to have people around me that want to walk with me through it. She told me that it was courage inside me that allowed me to even seek out those relationships... knowing full well how hard the road might get. the funny thing is, i have felt anything but courageous. I drag my feet to these meetings, tail between my legs, and head to the floor. it's easy to convince myself that i am a burden to people around me... especially when they want me to talk about the burdens that i carry. i never want that to be the case... But... I have learned this: one of the things that can hinder us from reliance upon the lord is this belief that we can do it on our own. It may isolate us completely from people that the Lord has equipped to walk with us. It causes a sense of pride. Pride isn't just arrogance, but it can also be not accepting help from those around you because you feel as if you have all the help you need in the island of yourself. It's saying my junk is too lofty a load for anyone else to bear, but yet i'll let my back break carrying it. it can also be when people keep others at a distance, never letting them in to experience them in fullness for fear of getting hurt. i struggle with pride. there are a lot of overflows from my pride, but i think it is pride i want to rid myself of most. I don't walk with a swagger and head raised to the sky, but i walk with walls, alligators and a moat guarding me from the world... and this is pride. when did i begin to think that people around me could only hurt me? I do have wonderful relationships, but i am fearful that i have missed out on so many for the sake of my pride. So, if it is courage and humility that is finally allowing me to lower my walls, when i welcome it. Also, completely different topic: I have developed a crush. He has no idea. this is probably because I am shy and have never been gifted i the art of flirting. I know girls that just have this way with boys around them, but that has never been me. Showing an interest has been quite the trouble, too... i never come off eloquent or remotely convincing. I have learned to completely accept the fact that it will take a certain bold man to take my arm, and only bold will do. the crush I have currently probably won't ever ask me out (stigma of being an "intimidating" girl...) until i have lost hope or interest in the endeavor...which is a shame. if he only knew the affections i indeed to have for him. this is a quote from pride and prejudice where Elizabeth is describing her sister's affections for mr. bingley, and how it would be outside her nature to be boisterous about her crush, much like me...

"but she does help him on as much as her nature allows. If i can perceive her regard for him, he must be a simpleton not to discover it, too."

The Wilderness

I like the wilderness. I have known many men that have sought time in the wilderness to find themselves, to ponder the meaning of their seemingly meaningless lives, or to connect with the Lord. But what is it about the wilderness that beckons us in such a way?

Perhaps its the furry little creatures that jump, crawl, swing and explore. Or the wildflowers that bloom out of unexpecting rocks. It could be the smell of pine, the touch of the dirt, and the taste of the wind. Perhaps its the simplicity and intricacy that happen simultaneously.

Perhaps its the stars that reveal themselves more vividly. These glimmers of light that dare us to make lofty wishes upon their names. We close our eyes tightly and like children, we beleive once again in happy endings.

It can be a frightening place, too.

My world has some how transformed into the wilderness. Such beauty has been revealed to me in the past couple of days. But, at the same time, I feel as if I have journeyed into the wilderness alone. My past has crept in and brought me to a place of sadness I haven't felt in a while. I have tried so hard to forget what has happened, and ignore the consequences that have come from it all. But in this wilderness, instead of wishing on fleeting stars, I am find myself relying upon the Lord. I have tasted and seen His goodness through it all... but i'm angry. i'm hurt. Now, I feel so far into the wilderness, that I must press on, instead of turning back for refuge in common things. I am seeking the transformation that will come from this wilderness alone.

Healing will come... but the road is hard. I grow weary.

This season is one that is breaking, molding, equipping, and humbling.

and I say, "amen, come Lord Jesus."

Holding Feet

Have you ever held feet with anyone? I have recently become quite the advocate for feet holding. the way it works is you sit on the floor in front of another person, link your toes (both feet), and hold hands with them simultaneously. I have never been fond of feet... they can be smelly, dirty, hairy, and even rough. PLUS... i am easily tickled. however, feet holding has proven to be quite a joyful experience. It often takes a bit of convincing your partner, but once that is done, you are linked with the person in a way that rarely gets experienced. It's quite intimate, really. If intimacy is defined as experiencing with one other person a piece of yourself, sharing something not commonly divulged, or even connecting with someone in a special way... then i think feet holding is a great way of expressing that.

(sidenote:... my friend reed is a great feet holder... even if he couldn't stop giggling during it all. he's also good at making music, keeping the most incredible journal, and giving nicknames.)

I have been getting bored of normal, lately. My mind often wonders why do we do things that are routine, and yet never step out of the ordinary. These are a few ideas I have had to break out of the ordinary, some of which I have taken into practice, and others I have not... yet:

1. sit in silence with a group of people, and just soak them in.
2. do not use utensils while eating. let all your senses be stimulated
3. instead of driving, or for me, biking, walk for long periods of time
4. eat on the floor inside
5. be honest and genuine at all times
6. smell the pages of a book before i read it every time
7. really study the animals that surround me
8. write more letters, and turn off the electronic devices
9. cook completely without recipes
10. listen intently to the person that stands before you, and do no let my mind wander elsewhere, trying to anticipate a response.


Rid me of the mundane... give me Your mystery and adventure.