honest...once.

A new song is up and you can find it here. http://www.myspace.com/melanieannabelle .

Thought i would make that available to anyone that cared to know.

Tonight is such a weird evening. I haven't been able to sleep lately and I feel as if I have tried everything to aid a restful and uninterrupted night. Honestly, my day feels similar to my night. the night creeps in and i'm filled with worry and doubt. I do believe that my biggest enemy is myself. I have been wondering lately about leaving.

Something happened today that basically produced a reaction in me that was less than ideal. It caused me to remember things I'd rather forget and i isolated myself from dear friends in order to deal with it. I hate that I'd rather deal with things apart from others. after doing my best to get completely alone, I always look around and think 'where the hell did everyone go? of course they left, I knew they would.' i hate being alone. big surprise. but if i push them away early on and test their loyalty, i am less disappointed later. it's a great system that i have worked out. not.

thanksgiving is tomorrow. i wish i was with my family. even though they don't celebrate. it sure would be nice to see them. i think i will just pretend the whole day doesn't actually exist. go about my day regularly. maybe.

i wish i could get honest. once.

Recording and Flirting.

I recorded today.

I am exhausted. But extremely joyful. I know that everyone says it, but it really is always weird hearing your own voice through a speaker. I may have a funny voice.

The process of recording is tricky. I am quite the perfectionist, and I have yet to master the art of recording, and being completely prepared for recording time. It is a lot like participating in a spelling bee when you are just learning to spell. You are in a quite vulnerable position because others are listening, your voice/instrumentation is being singled out recorded and then played back for you. I anxiously look around for some sort of feedback and although everyone says it sounds fine, there lies a slight doubt you may be being deceived. You make mistakes, you correct them. You move on. I am learning a whole bunch, but I wish I learned more quickly because I still feel a bit amateur.

I do have such a great desire to do this for my career, so I am determined to learn everything I can to use this stewardship most proficiently.

In the time being I have the best friends in the whole wide world coming along side me through it all. I really don't know what I would do with out them.

Another funny story. I learned how to flirt today... well kinda. As most of you know... I am not gifted in the art of flirtation. However, the microphone levels could not be adjusted to my volume level very easily so I was asked to back away from the microphone when I sang more loudly and step closer to them when I got quieter. This was a bit of a new concept for me, so in order for me to understand, my friend Chad told me to picture the microphone like a boy I liked. You know... the kind that you really want to kiss, but aren't actually dating, so you sometimes shy away... He said when you flirt with him, and as your volume gets low to a whisper, you approach him in proximity... When you talk more loudly, you back away. Apparently this is flirting. So I practiced a bit, went back in there and gave it my best shot. And, let me tell you something......

I charmed the pants off that microphone. :)

Makes me wonder if the whole reason I have not had the luck with the fellas is because of my lack of knowledge of this "whisper trick." In any case... you honeybears better watch out now because I am now a flirt machine.

.not really.

i probably won't be able to look you in the eyes for a long period of time.

i may hide my head in a book.

and guess what... i am beginning to think that my inability to flirt, tease, and manipulate... is a great and blessed thing.

Tomorrow.. we record more. :) I will practice my "whisper trick" and let you know how it goes. :)

Wrinkly Women and Wisdom.

It's been a minute since I have updated this.... and alot has taken place.

I will tell you of a curent peace that Ihave felt...

I sat in a room with elderly woman knitting, mother's bustling from soccer practice, and carefully manicured mistresses. I wondered to myself, what in the world do we have in common? I must be in the wrong place, wrong room... One woman began to lead us in a prayer of liturgical nature and as our voices cried in unison of our deep need for to rely upon Lord... I felt peace. Then she continued to talk about her journey over the past decade and her struggles. The circle of solidarity that I sat in {completely out of place} began to also share of their weakest points. One woman in particular shared of something that I too struggle with and as she spoke, she used language andmetaphors that I too had used to describe the chains. She has been in recovery from this for over a decade. I think it's amazing how wrinkly women have so much wisdom. She attributed her recovery to the Lord. to His love. to His grace. His peace.

It came time for me to share and I with shaky hands and voice, I shared of my current state, what brought me there, and how I hardly beleived in hope for a change. I told them that I resonated with some things that had been said, but I need willingness. I finished abuptly.

The more stories were shared, the more I began curious if the Lord would give me the strength that he had given these women, too?

One day at a time, I am being convinced that healing is not only possible for others, but for me as well. This is a lesson I never thought I needed to learn. I do. It takes work. I have to remind myself that His love extends to my prideful hands hat are so hell bent on fixing things myself.

I might actually need others. I might actually have needs. dang. When you do things long enough for yourself, it's a weird concept to swallow.

I will go again to this circle of wise women, and perhaps i will learn a thing or two from others that have walked before me.

ALSO.

I have been having fun. My instruments have been keeping me busy, refreshed and occupied, and I dare say i am getting pretty good a them. I have been playing shows quite a bit which is pretty surprising considering my band hasn't recorded. I am extremely thankful for the opportunities to spread hope to others and share a bit about myself. It's easier to sing about myself than talk about. We will see how it goes, and for now... I am just happy I get to do what I love.

We are recording this weekend. I am so excited I could pee my pants.