Amigas

I am going to miss my friends. Haylie is off to Australia, Logan off to Estonia... me off to Colorado.

I'll hold on to these memories till we meet again.














Lo, Hays... One of these pictures is the worst picure taken of the three of us EVER. Try and pick it out. :)

When I grow up

so.. i sold my first painting today. it's so weird. but i thought i would write it on this thing because it seems like some sort of milestone. Not cause of the money received, but that someone connected with something that I created so much that they want it to hang in their home.


I feel like I put a little peice of myself in each one of my paintings and songs. So it's neat to know that someone out there feels the same way... just "gets" what I am feeling. This world is small, and I think we are way more connected than we think we are.

I' working on my next painting and hopefuly someone else will connect with it in someway... if not, i still think its important to put it out there.

I also decided today that I don't think I could ever work a 9-5 job. I have to have some sort of creativity in my life, some form of art, be it painting, music, or prose. It just makes me come alive.

I'd rather be a starving artist, than a full conformist.

and.. ill end with this random fact. I love climbing trees. Ever since I was a little girl I would hide up in the tree in my front yard and sit for hours. I was devestated they had to cut it down. anyways... I'vebeen thinking about where I want to live when I have a home for myself... thought about a farm like my grandpa's, or a cabin in the mountains.. but have decided I want a treehouse.

Comfortable

It's official. I have hit an awkward stage. Nope, I didn't get braces, my voice does not squeak, and my skin is not covered in pimples. This is much worse: I'm completely comfortable being me, without the bangs and whistles.Let me explain...

When I was in highschool, things were different. I was loud, outgoing, and friendly. I guess I had moved around so much that I wanted people to know what I was about within the first five minutes of knowing me. I dated around quite a bit. Went to dances... your typical high school experience, I guess. I don't really know when things began to change for me.Maybe during my internship, maybe while in college, maybe the move back home. I really don't know.

So now, I'm awkward. In group settings, I barely speak. Not because I don't have an opinion. But because I know Johnny or Mary wants the floor at that time, and it means more to him and her than to me. So I sit back, listen, and with quiet, gentle words respond... if prompted, of course. It's really hard because in the South, or maybe it's Atlanta, people make their minds up about people so quickly. Not many people invest, or invest in others because they have made their mind up about that person already. It's really sad because everyone has a story. This incredible story with joy, pain, conflict, victory, and failure. But not many people get to experience or delight in that because they decided that he or she must not be worth their time because they aren't the wittiest, have the best twitter updates, drink soy lattes, or dress so trendy. Well, I guess I just realized I'd rather be kind than witty. I'd rather drink my isreali tea than coffee. I'd rather spend time in the moment than updating you about my moments. I'd rather shop thrift than designer. Everyone's different. I understand, this is just me. I don't want to offend anyone, that's not my intention this is about discovering myself... and realizing I'd rather be me than a counterfeit copy of someone else. Even if being me means not getting to hang out with all the right people, or saying all the right things.At least I will be true to myself in the process.

It does stink sometimes. I'm a really perceptive person, and I can tell when you are not interested in me or what I have to say. I know when you only come up to me because you're standing alone and you want to feel comfortable. I can see when you look past my shoulder to see if someone else cooler just walked in the room. I get it.


And with the whole dating thing...I've been told I'm too picky. Or that I need to "put myself out there" more. But honestly, I'm waiting for someone to TRULY pursue me, and PROTECT my heart.

*proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.


*proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter,
But the glory of kings is to search out a matter

On that note, I am sorry I do not swoon because you make a funny joke, can play an instrument, and are charming. I don't need a man on my side to make me feel secure. I know my heart is a treasure, as is yours, and I'm protecting it for the man it belongs to. I'm just not easily amused... but that doesn't mean we can't be friends, right? ha.

I like who I am. AWKWARD. GENTLE. PROTECTIVE OF MY HEART. a bit SHY. BUT COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN.

Burdens

So something happened this week but I know going into any detail via this blog would take away how much this thing meant to me, my family, and especially my beautiful mom. My family has learned a lot from the "thing" that took place. I will tell you that life is precious, never take a second for granted. Love your family and don't let the small stuff keep you from eachother. and when they need you, which one day they will no matter how bad they won't want to admit it, be there for them.
I'm bout to get all vulnerable on this thing... crazy how i feel comfortable sharing my feelings on this thing that anyone coud read. (not that anyone really takes the time to read mine other than ruth or logan. :) but eventhough I have learned quite a bit, I wish I could understand why this happened. I wish I knew why He let this happen. I wish He could just hold me. I wish I could know what to say when my mom asks what You are up to anyway. I wish the pain in my heavy heart would stop.

I know I am not alone in this. Everyone carries a burden. I thought about this while I was waiting in the hospital for my mom to get done with surgery. In the waiting room, I sat holding my precious baby brother Daniel. This doctor walked out, still in his surgery scrubs. He bolted towards this woman that was sitting alone behind me. His eyes were fully of worry and his mannerisms seemed tense. He said in a loud voice...
" We did the best we could do, but it spread into her bood vessels and it's not looking good at all. This is bad really bad. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. It just doesn't look good. there is nothing we can do. I am sorry."
My heart sank. I began to cry. I dropped my head trying to hide the tears as best I could so that she wouldn't see that I heard. I made eye contact with my sister, and she too wept. One of the attendants bolted over to the woman and gave her tissues, and comforted her as best she could. I didn't know what to do. I sat heavy-hearted in my seat and wondered how many times people got bad news in that hospital. I wondered who was this person to the woman. Then I just cried a bit more.
In scipture, He teaches that we as His followers are supposed to carry eachother's burdens. With this hidden in my heart, I knew what I was supposed to do. I prayed to receive it from her. everything... all of it. I beleive that I did.
Since that day, when I've seen a person looking down or worried, I've been asking to receive it from them, too. It hasn't made life easier. But has definitely made me more aware of the hurting, and the possibility of restoration and healing. I think we as daughters and sons are called to be compassionate and loving with people we meet along the way. My heart literally broke for this woman. I've never seen her in my life.


If you would have asked me what compassion was 4 years ago, I might be able to tell you. If you ask me now, I might be able to show you.crazy how my heart has changed, and keeps changing.


For anyone hurting:

You are precious. he has not forgotten or abandoned you. He is not punishing you, even though it might feel like it. I will hope alongside you in the struggle. it's okay to be broken. but above all...i am here for you. I don't have all the answers, there is a reason I hope, and His name is love. but right now, let me carry your burden and I will cast it at His feet. I pray for joy and peace to overflow on your wearied heart. I pray you will find rest.

Blessed Be Your Name

Some things happen to a person and break their heart. Other things happen to them and just simply break them. I am broken... but blessed be your name Abba.

"Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"