Freedom

Over dinner yesterday night I told my mom about an opportunity to work in a girl’s transitional living facility. I told her about what an awesome internship it would be and some details on how I found out about it. The only thing about it is it’s on the other side of the country. The distance doesn’t scare me, nor does the internship, but I felt uneasy with talking with her about it. I’m about to be 20, and I have lived on my own for a little over a year. But during the conversation I still found myself asking for her permission. She looked over at me and said, “It’s your life, Melanie. You can do what you want.” As I heard it, freedom came over me. I can’t even explain ho incredible it was to hear. I mean, I know that I am old enough to grab hold of my life, but to truly realize that I can do whatever I want really blessed me. I cut this lady’s hair the other day at the salon and she was an interesting lady. She had been all over the world, had a large family, and now works volunteers in local shelters. She told me about her time in India and how she was hoping to go back this summer. As I listened to her stories, I thought, gosh she has done so many incredible things. Then it clicked. My life really is only just beginning. God has given an opportunity to live a life for Him- giving Him all the glory. He has this plan for my life that will blow me away. It doesn’t lack excitement, it is filled with it. Sure, I take a misstep every now and then. Scratch that, sometimes I’m COMPLETELY off course, but he works with that and still has this beautiful life ready for me to live. But it’s my choice to live, not in fear, but in Him. I have to take that step though, whether with the internship or not, I need to accept responsibility for my life and choose life.

Cozy Bed and Cracked Windows

There is a train that I hear every night in the distance. Its horn whispers to me as I lie in my warm and comfortable bed fixed between two cracked windows. Louder and longer the horn screams to me as it nears. I always wonder who is on the train. Where are they going? What is holding me back from hopping that train and journeying to some far off city where no one has known my failures or successes? To assume a completely different identity and get lost in the character that I mask so cleverly with my witty and calculated answers. I’d wear large sunglasses and hats pretending to be someone I’m not. Of course, that plan would fail because I would abandon the journey that is life. The mystery of every step that I can take, and the decisions I might make excite me. Why should I put on a face and live another’s life, when each day I live has endless possibilities? I could get on that train. I could go and forget all that I am to chase the next adventure. I could leave this place and never look back. I always think about that train. That train that leads to another town, but once I get to that town, I still have to face the problems and insecurities I thought I had left there, in my cozy bed between my cracked windows.
I write all this knowing full well that sometimes, you got to get on that train. But I hope when I do, it’s not to pursue refuge in crowds, but instead to independently take another step, accepting the past and pressing towards the future.

No Promises

So, I have never really blogged before. Consistently, that is. Since it’s hard to fill everyone in on what’s going on, I thought this would allow anyone who cares to know about my life, know. This is also my attempt to put my thoughts in order. Hopefully I’ll keep up with it, but no promises. Enjoy.