summer days are the best because you can have absolutely no agenda and yet end up having quite an adventurous day. today was one of those. i worked 11:00 to 7:00 and when i got off i biked to a friends house to pick up some carrots i had left the night before, and decided to walk home instead. So, I chained up my beloved maybelle and began the journey home. The sun was just about to make its way to sleep and the colors in the sky were beautiful. I took off my shoes tied them together and wrapped them around my bag. With every step they swung back and forth, and i felt much like huck finn might have. Then, Stefanie shouted my name from the street and she joined me on part of my walk to the park. we laid down, talked of quite personal things, and delighted in one another. i miss living with her. she is such a wise woman and always knows what to say. She speaks truth in my life and today it was about courage. i told her about what my journey has been like for the past couple of days, and how i have been blessed to have people around me that want to walk with me through it. She told me that it was courage inside me that allowed me to even seek out those relationships... knowing full well how hard the road might get. the funny thing is, i have felt anything but courageous. I drag my feet to these meetings, tail between my legs, and head to the floor. it's easy to convince myself that i am a burden to people around me... especially when they want me to talk about the burdens that i carry. i never want that to be the case... But... I have learned this: one of the things that can hinder us from reliance upon the lord is this belief that we can do it on our own. It may isolate us completely from people that the Lord has equipped to walk with us. It causes a sense of pride. Pride isn't just arrogance, but it can also be not accepting help from those around you because you feel as if you have all the help you need in the island of yourself. It's saying my junk is too lofty a load for anyone else to bear, but yet i'll let my back break carrying it. it can also be when people keep others at a distance, never letting them in to experience them in fullness for fear of getting hurt. i struggle with pride. there are a lot of overflows from my pride, but i think it is pride i want to rid myself of most. I don't walk with a swagger and head raised to the sky, but i walk with walls, alligators and a moat guarding me from the world... and this is pride. when did i begin to think that people around me could only hurt me? I do have wonderful relationships, but i am fearful that i have missed out on so many for the sake of my pride. So, if it is courage and humility that is finally allowing me to lower my walls, when i welcome it. Also, completely different topic: I have developed a crush. He has no idea. this is probably because I am shy and have never been gifted i the art of flirting. I know girls that just have this way with boys around them, but that has never been me. Showing an interest has been quite the trouble, too... i never come off eloquent or remotely convincing. I have learned to completely accept the fact that it will take a certain bold man to take my arm, and only bold will do. the crush I have currently probably won't ever ask me out (stigma of being an "intimidating" girl...) until i have lost hope or interest in the endeavor...which is a shame. if he only knew the affections i indeed to have for him. this is a quote from pride and prejudice where Elizabeth is describing her sister's affections for mr. bingley, and how it would be outside her nature to be boisterous about her crush, much like me...
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