I have adopted a coy and clever barrier and it has kept me safe for a few years now... but has also kept others at quite a distance. Never would I want to believe that my precautions had reprocussions within the circles of my friends. But indeed they did.
I want to be genuine.
I want to trust others.
I want to let others know me.
The truth is...
I have been hurt.
I have been abandoned.
I have never been able to really let someone in... since the accident, since he walked away, since he hurt her, since felt I needed to hold it all together for everyone.
The Lord proves faithful, but it is His people that constantly let me down. Though I commune with Him, I miss out on his creation. I am really tired of it all. So this is me being genuine, I am a mess, I want to learn to trust again. Please be patient with me.
Also: Today I sat under a large tree and mister ant crawled on my foot. He didn't bite me, he just crawled there. When I was little I used to pull ants apart.. one leg at a time. Hate to admit it, but it's true. Now... I know better...that even ants are the handiwork of an ever present God. I hope this is true because tomorrow I am going to my first "support group" for something i don't feel like writing about... and to be honest.. it seems like a really big ant right now.
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