A Start

"she will be free when she freely chooses to be"


today i choose freedom.

honest...once.

A new song is up and you can find it here. http://www.myspace.com/melanieannabelle .

Thought i would make that available to anyone that cared to know.

Tonight is such a weird evening. I haven't been able to sleep lately and I feel as if I have tried everything to aid a restful and uninterrupted night. Honestly, my day feels similar to my night. the night creeps in and i'm filled with worry and doubt. I do believe that my biggest enemy is myself. I have been wondering lately about leaving.

Something happened today that basically produced a reaction in me that was less than ideal. It caused me to remember things I'd rather forget and i isolated myself from dear friends in order to deal with it. I hate that I'd rather deal with things apart from others. after doing my best to get completely alone, I always look around and think 'where the hell did everyone go? of course they left, I knew they would.' i hate being alone. big surprise. but if i push them away early on and test their loyalty, i am less disappointed later. it's a great system that i have worked out. not.

thanksgiving is tomorrow. i wish i was with my family. even though they don't celebrate. it sure would be nice to see them. i think i will just pretend the whole day doesn't actually exist. go about my day regularly. maybe.

i wish i could get honest. once.

Recording and Flirting.

I recorded today.

I am exhausted. But extremely joyful. I know that everyone says it, but it really is always weird hearing your own voice through a speaker. I may have a funny voice.

The process of recording is tricky. I am quite the perfectionist, and I have yet to master the art of recording, and being completely prepared for recording time. It is a lot like participating in a spelling bee when you are just learning to spell. You are in a quite vulnerable position because others are listening, your voice/instrumentation is being singled out recorded and then played back for you. I anxiously look around for some sort of feedback and although everyone says it sounds fine, there lies a slight doubt you may be being deceived. You make mistakes, you correct them. You move on. I am learning a whole bunch, but I wish I learned more quickly because I still feel a bit amateur.

I do have such a great desire to do this for my career, so I am determined to learn everything I can to use this stewardship most proficiently.

In the time being I have the best friends in the whole wide world coming along side me through it all. I really don't know what I would do with out them.

Another funny story. I learned how to flirt today... well kinda. As most of you know... I am not gifted in the art of flirtation. However, the microphone levels could not be adjusted to my volume level very easily so I was asked to back away from the microphone when I sang more loudly and step closer to them when I got quieter. This was a bit of a new concept for me, so in order for me to understand, my friend Chad told me to picture the microphone like a boy I liked. You know... the kind that you really want to kiss, but aren't actually dating, so you sometimes shy away... He said when you flirt with him, and as your volume gets low to a whisper, you approach him in proximity... When you talk more loudly, you back away. Apparently this is flirting. So I practiced a bit, went back in there and gave it my best shot. And, let me tell you something......

I charmed the pants off that microphone. :)

Makes me wonder if the whole reason I have not had the luck with the fellas is because of my lack of knowledge of this "whisper trick." In any case... you honeybears better watch out now because I am now a flirt machine.

.not really.

i probably won't be able to look you in the eyes for a long period of time.

i may hide my head in a book.

and guess what... i am beginning to think that my inability to flirt, tease, and manipulate... is a great and blessed thing.

Tomorrow.. we record more. :) I will practice my "whisper trick" and let you know how it goes. :)

Wrinkly Women and Wisdom.

It's been a minute since I have updated this.... and alot has taken place.

I will tell you of a curent peace that Ihave felt...

I sat in a room with elderly woman knitting, mother's bustling from soccer practice, and carefully manicured mistresses. I wondered to myself, what in the world do we have in common? I must be in the wrong place, wrong room... One woman began to lead us in a prayer of liturgical nature and as our voices cried in unison of our deep need for to rely upon Lord... I felt peace. Then she continued to talk about her journey over the past decade and her struggles. The circle of solidarity that I sat in {completely out of place} began to also share of their weakest points. One woman in particular shared of something that I too struggle with and as she spoke, she used language andmetaphors that I too had used to describe the chains. She has been in recovery from this for over a decade. I think it's amazing how wrinkly women have so much wisdom. She attributed her recovery to the Lord. to His love. to His grace. His peace.

It came time for me to share and I with shaky hands and voice, I shared of my current state, what brought me there, and how I hardly beleived in hope for a change. I told them that I resonated with some things that had been said, but I need willingness. I finished abuptly.

The more stories were shared, the more I began curious if the Lord would give me the strength that he had given these women, too?

One day at a time, I am being convinced that healing is not only possible for others, but for me as well. This is a lesson I never thought I needed to learn. I do. It takes work. I have to remind myself that His love extends to my prideful hands hat are so hell bent on fixing things myself.

I might actually need others. I might actually have needs. dang. When you do things long enough for yourself, it's a weird concept to swallow.

I will go again to this circle of wise women, and perhaps i will learn a thing or two from others that have walked before me.

ALSO.

I have been having fun. My instruments have been keeping me busy, refreshed and occupied, and I dare say i am getting pretty good a them. I have been playing shows quite a bit which is pretty surprising considering my band hasn't recorded. I am extremely thankful for the opportunities to spread hope to others and share a bit about myself. It's easier to sing about myself than talk about. We will see how it goes, and for now... I am just happy I get to do what I love.

We are recording this weekend. I am so excited I could pee my pants.

Freedom and a Prison Cell

Today, I am reminded of how undeserving I am. I am selfish, prideful, inconsiderate. How i will make the same mistakes over and over, and disregard the beckoning of the Lord. I am a paralyzed woman holding onto my mat... so comfortable with my sickness. Jesus walks by me and asks if I want to be healed, and I say... "actually, i'm pretty comfortable on my mat."

I have created a prison for myself (by myself) , the stench is getting so putrid....and the keys are being dangled in front of me, yet i would rather breath this stench in than let the fresh air fill my lungs. The prison is comfortable because i now it's turns and predictable because i laid it's foundation. Yet, inside me, I know this isn't my home. Although, it is by choice I remain here.
In spite of this, He pursues me in my prison and places people in my life to communicate there is a better way to live. They tell me of a place where flowers bloom and Freedom is found. They say that all people are welcome to come and play and dance. They say that it can take years for someone to fully arrive at Freedom... but you have to take the steps yourself to get there. They say no one forces you to go, and you can stay as long as you want. Some people get to Freedom, and then return to their prisons. Some come back. They say that you don't need papers or references to get into Freedom, and you can't earn an invitation. They say it's beautiful, and it was all His idea.

They say that others are out to distort the reputation of Freedom. These others create lies about Freedom, saying that it isn't as good as the prison. They say you have to be rewarded a ticket, and I could never deserve it. They say that the journey is too hard and long for anyone to reach. They say that He really wants to control those that live in Freedom, and I'd have much more say in my prison. They say that Freedom can be a scary place because the people that are there can hurt you and so can He. They say He really isn't good and He is trying to trick us out of our prisons.

I think the others are liars.

I think my prison is beginning to stink.

I think He does love me and has made a place for me in Freedom.

....then why do I cling to my prison??????????????

You Think You Know

Someone hurt me this past week. At least, i can walk away from it all knowing this is what living feels like. unpredictable, vulnerable, and wonderful.

i wish people were more honest. They say one thing, and act in a completely opposite fashion. The guy i had a crush on, for instance, says he's attracted to a certain thing... and yet pursues the exact opposite when she dangles herself in front of him. yuck. Save me the disappointment and be a shallow jerk from the beginning, please. Makes me wonder if people are actually capable of telling the truth.

normally this wouldn't bother me as much, but i guess as i peel back the layers that have kept myself concealed for so long.. i feel like I am expecting the same from others. when they deceive me, i feel more vulnerable because i took the step towards being known, and they had motives of a malicious kind.

these encounters make me wonder if it is better to guard myself. Is this process of letting people in all in vain?

No.

Tonight i will lie in my bed knowing that i was true in displaying myself to others. There is something to be learned from each person around us, and what can we learn if we don't let ourselves be known?

To the boys:
take caution in pursuing me. it is not for those that tire easily. you will have to be patient. you will have to be creative. but... my heart is precious. i have saved it from so many things in order that i can give it to a certain gentleman unscathed. there will be girls out there that are great, and the chase will be easier... but perhaps i have the walls to weed out those that aren't willing to try and knock them down. do not waste my time if you have foul motives... you will not succeed.

To he who will come:
i protected myself for you. be bold in coming after me.


sweet dreams.

Baby Steps

Talked to a wise man today and he opened my eyes to this ideal that love flourishes from freedom. Nobody can force you to love, open up, let the walls fall, or stay. I have the choice to isolate myself from being understood and known. What's interesting about this is that for a long time, I thought it my duty or obligation to guard myself from being hurt and letting others get too close. It has become my job. And I do it quite well. I am skilled at asking questions long enough that the person forgets or misses the opportunity to ask me anything in return. I have used the excuse "i asked you first" so many times, I almost giggle to myself when it successfully dodges another question-answer session... and it almost always does. The sad part is, in this all-too-familiar sequence of events, I successfully create this wall that protects me, but also isolates.

I choose to tear down the wall, and risk being hurt, in order to fully dance in freedom.

I'm making a way towards it.. but baby steps.

To those affected by my guard: If I have pushed you away, I'm sorry. it truly isn't something that you're doing. just have built it up because of what others have done. i know its not fair, to you or me...Its not your job to redeem my past, and i am sorry if it seems like i have given you that job. I know you grow weary of my wall, but i appreciate your patience.