Gypsy

I haven't been able to sleep lately. It's exciting for like one night, but I need to rest. Even though my body is a bit tired, my Spirit is more awake than ever before. The only good thing about my lack of sleep is I have been able to write poems and songs.

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One day I will tour this country in a van. I want to play music and speak truth into people's lives. It'll happen. I was born a gypsy.

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My mom and stepdad leave for isreal tomorrow. I'm sad to see them go but really excited to have the house to myself to create some more. I am putting everything in my craft right now (art, music). Expression is so important for me. I come alive when I paint and sing.

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I wrote a love song the other day, but I have never been in love. I'm waiting for someone that delights in me and I in him. It's worth the wait. then i can write a heap of songs about him. <3

Freedom

To know about my journey, I feel like it's neccesary to know about some big things that have been affecting my life. I'll start by saying this. I know some people write these blogs and put their best foot forward, talking about all the rad things they are doing, places they are going, people they are hanging with. They post things on the positives in their life, but I guess I missed the memo on how to correctly write a blog. I'm real and I have so many faults. I dissapoint people all the time, and I will most likely dissapoint you. I'm damaged goods. But, I'm not just that. His grace has covered it all. I have been a slave to addictions and superficiality, but I have been called to be Free. So, with all that said, some of the things i write in this blog are about lessons I'm learning, and healing that is taking place. I don't write to make myself seem cooler in your eyes, or more attractive. I blog because He has written every line of my story, for His glory... and I know anything good in me is Him. The days I spend here are blessings, and each one can give you a little more understanding of where I am on this journey.



Today was incredible. Thank you Daddy for the sunshine! I needed it so badly. I woke up early, had a meeting, then met Haylie, Logan and my new friend Tasha at Sope Creek. The weather was absolutely perfect. The company was even better...

I had so many hesitations moving back to Atlanta because some relationships I had been building for years here were, well were non-existent anymore, really. I let my selfishness get in the way of truly caring for and pouring into others before I left for Portland. I had created a divide between of few of these people that seemed like would never and could never be bridged again. And for me, being someone who prides themselves in pursuing friendships through love, it is shameful to admit how my selfishness did impact my dearest friends. But it did. When I finally moved back, guilt and more shame continued to cloud my life. I felt miserable with how I was treating others, and yet still claiming to be a lover...a peacemaker...a friend. I got in touch with the girls that I had hurt and they have since had nothing but grace and forgiveness to offer me.

We are now growing again in our friendship and I cannot tell you how blessed I am for the the grace I have experienced with them. It really has given me a glimpse of the Kingdom.


Grace amazing has overflowed in almost all of my relationships now. With my family, I have come to overlook past hurts and dfferences and reach boldly out in love. The spirit that dwells in me enables me to speak peace and love into other's lives, but by living selfishly, I wasn't even able to use my gifts effectively. Everything that I was holding on to so tightly and seeking selfishly is nothing to me.

I know my story is not unlike anything you have heard or read before. I was lost, found, hurt, healed and now free. My story continues, I still will struggle, be beaten down, and I'll get back up...praising His name and spreading his love whereever I go.

Granddaddy

My granddaddy was a good man. He wasn't really my granddady, but my great grandfather. Since he raised my dad, I never thought to call him anything else. His hands were calloused and rough, reminding him of the years tending his farm in the flat land of Oklahoma. Even after he left the farm, he kept a garden of his own of cherry tomatoes and cabbage. He walked five miles until the day he passed away and loved his wife stronger than any love you read about in storybooks. And everytime I went to see him, he'd let me ride in the back of his pickup truck to his pond where we'd fish together. I never caught as many as he did, but he always encouraged me. He had this stash of crayons and coloring books for me and my sister and would always put our scribbles up on his refrigerator. I miss him. It has been years since he has passed, but I miss him today. He walked with the Lord. I sang "How Great Thou Art" at his funeral. I've been seeing my Father in Heaven a lot like my granddaddy lately. My Father is love. My Father encourages creativity. My Father cherishes His relationship with me. My little scribbles... my inabillity to catch a fish... all my silly imperfections and short-comings... He delights in. How great you are, Father.

Everything

Normally I don't watch these things, but this video really challenged me. Ch-ch-check it out.

Rebel Christianity

This is a rant. *Caution... it might get ugly, and if you like Polo, don't get offended.

The rebels of Christianity are those kids that skip your prayer meeting to go to the party Billy's throwing downtown. I like them. I think I am becoming one of them. When did becoming a Christian mean completely alienating yourself from the world? This has been coming up a lot in my world lately. As Christians, we beleive that everyone, ahem EVERYONE is made in the image of God, not just your Polo-wearing pals.

I read this passage today and it really struck a chord:

Matthew 11:19
The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners."

In the context, Jesus had just finished doing all these miracles, healing the blind and lame, but the only things people were talking about was the fact that he was drinking, and hanging out with people outside of the church. We, as beleivers are called to be in the world. Yes, our citizenship may be in heaven, but our ministry is here.

For the record, I think prayer meetings are wonderful. I think reading your bible and learning everything humanly possible about loving and living like Jesus did is a great thing. But I also think we are called to party with people outside the church. When I say party, I mean spread joy and laughter. ( Without that correction, someone probably would have sent me hate mail.)Seriously, though..

I went to this bible study and this girl said she didn't want prostitutes sitting next to her in church. I about reached across the room and slapped her in the face. I kept my mouth shut for alot of the bible study, but I couldn't let it go any further. I looked right at her and said "My perfect church would be filled with prostitutes and theives and liars. What a blessing would it be for us to worship together." It's crazy that somehow when you become a Christian, it is now your job to patrol and tell people exactly what they are doing wrong when they are outside of the church. When you judge a person, you have no opportunity to love them. Have we not all fallen short? I know I have. But by the grace, ONLY by the grace are we saved.

I didn't mean for this to come across as an accusation.

I just want you to know, if you have ever been the "judged," I am sorry. I love you. And Jesus sometimes looks nothing like His followers. It is a shame. I do know that there are some others out there that are striving to be more like Him, and I hope you run into one of them someday. And if you don't -I hope you encounter Jesus on a completely supernatural way. :)

Humility

It's official. I stink at keeping up with this, but at least I warned you. Someone (Ruth) has been on my case about updating this on my current situation, and this one is simply for her. ;)

I think humility is the biggest word that describes my so-called reality at this moment. The non-profit that I worked with in Portland cut funding and decided to close down the girl's house. I have made such good friendships with my residents and staff, and the news was heartbreaking. Maybe you have never been to Portland, but that place seriously captured my heart. I have never come across so many homeless youth in my entire life. They are funny and kind, they like the same movies I do, they are beautiful, but they simply-for whatever reason- do not have a place to lay their heads. Some shelters are available, some homes ( most have rigorous rules that the kids do not agree to) but definitely not enough. I want to make sure and say this is not a rant against the program that I was working with. They have a plan they are working towards implementing for these girls and there is no doubt in my mind that it will be successful. Still, I guess I'm just bitter because I want to offer these people something. Something of myself, some kindness, hospitality, and love. I get frustrated because it seems like when I get close, something happens and I get removed from the situation. This is where the humility kicks in. I have no idea what the Lord's plan is for me and I have to humble myself to His will.

It's not that easy, though. Directly after getting frustrated, everything in me gets angry at... "the man"- for supporting child labor, my parents for getting divorced, my residents parents for never caring, the pimp that encourages prostitution, the coffee maker for working too slowly...just everything. Then I normally do something stupid. I wish I didn't... But wishes are meant for fairytales, and this is reality. And this is me completely ignoring His will. This is me feeling sorry and not counting my blessings. This is me pissed off and hurt for these women with no where to go on a cold rainy night in February.

God has made me a woman that won't stand by and watch the suffering . This is me.

Each day I wake up, look out my window...in Atlanta... I have my regrets even just in being here 2 weeks. I've made a fool of myself. I have been selfish. I have been knocked to my knees, but I am getting back up. Humbly, I know that anything good in me is Him. I also have my hope that God will rescue those hurting, hungry, and heartbroken. And because our society is pretending they are not there... I will be their voice. This is me, and I am each one of them.
I don't want to sit here and write all these vague ideas, so this is my plan. I will clothe my brothers and sisters on the streets. I will offer friendship. I will seek them out. If they are hungry, I will feed as many as I can. I will let them know they are beautiful, loved and wonderfully made.

Ruth- I love you so stinking much. and this may have been a little "heavier" blog but I hope you enjoy. Definitely more to come, I'll write about my social life when I get one. haha.

Land of Port

It's been about 3 weeks now that I have been living in Portland, Oregon! I don't even know where to begin...

Arriving in Portland was nothing short of ridiculous. I should have expected nothing less from the LGA (Lord God Almighty for you other than Steff or Julie) than extreme weather conditions that left me snowed in for about a week. Luckily, it was my first week living at the girl's house so it was a blessing to have that time to become more acquainted with the program. Most of the time I spent reading, journaling and of course helping bake copious amounts of Christmas cookies which we also frosted. The internship I'm doing is with a program called Transitional Youth. It's a great program and if you want to learn more you should check out the website (plug). So far, I am absolutely loving the job which mostly consists of checking off chores, but so much more comes with it and I am thrilled to see how the friendships with these girls strengthen. The staff is incredible as well as my 2 lovely residents! :) Since we were snowed in, we all got to know each other incredibly well in a terribly short period of time. Oh the joy of Christian community...

Once the blizzard came to a hault, I finally got the chance to explore Portland. Thanks to public transportation, I familiarized myself with the city quickly. Afterall no one wants to make the mistake of taking the wrong bus, ending up on the wrong side of town then finally arriving at the entrance of your neighborhood late at night while two very conspicuous large men are doing what seems like a drug deal. Trust me, you won't make that mistake twice. The city is great. There are so many coffee shops and book stores. Most everything seems locally owned and sustained by a farm not too far away, which makes the veggies seem even fresher. Or it could be some sort of placebo effect that makes you think that they are, but in fact there products are actually supplied by wal-mart. Either way, with all the coffee and tea-sleep has taken a backseat in my life which will probably catch up to me sooner or later, but I am having so much fun now I'll try not to worry bout that. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz. oops. Just kidding. The only bad part about a new city is since I don't many ( like maybe 3) people here, I walk around aimlessly and may have gotten a bit too comfortable with asking for a table for one. It's weird coming from years of always having people around when you want them or not to all of a sudden being on your own. I think this magnifies how often I take advantage of community. In any case, i plan on joining a small group/book club/hiking club/ANYthing that will put community around me again.

One really cool place here I spend a lot of my time is the Drop-In Center for Transitional Youth. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday it's open for homeless youth ages 18-25 to come, hang out, eat, get clothes or even sleeping bags. Normally a movie is playing and someone is playing the piano. It gives them a chance to stay warm and dry before the shelters open because most don't open til 9 or 930 at night. I had never seen anything like this place in my life. Portland has per capita the greatest problem with teen homelessness in all the US. Although I have done homelesss ministry before, most of the friends I had made were in their 30s and up. It's surreal sitting at the drop-in and seeing a large room full of people my age without a place to call home. Anyway, street church, as we call it, is a cool place to hang out and build friendships. I have certainly met my share of interesting people there. Most of the kids at the Drop-In have street nicknames that they go by. So now, I am determined to also obtain one of these names too...I have been brainstorming for days and I can't come up with anything remotely tough or witty enough to make it for more than one introduction with my new friends...I'll keep thinking though. If you have any suggestions, let me know- and nothing too wimpy, I have a rep to protect.